Damn it what the hell is up with me these last few weeks. All I want to do is just say fuck it and leave and go somewhere that know one nows. I feel my soul finding its way out of me way and running for its life. I can't seem to find the one gift that will make this all seem okay. Luck has seem to run out and looks as though I will need to start asking for help. Fuck! Why do I wallow in such pity and depression? Why is all the pain I feel so exclusive to me and no one else. The second I felt what it use to feel like to feel good. It got ripped away and turned into a fucking puzzle. So many unanswerable questions that I ask myself instead of just letting myself be fine with right now. Right now with my heart still beating and those who love me, fuck I can't ask for anymore.Change sucks and I feel like I'm in seventh grade all over again and I can't stand it. Every picture I look at of me is no good whatsoever and everything I do seems to suck horribly. Will I'm going to go do some art hope it doesn't suck.

hey i've postponed the year experiment until i finish the books and seeing as i have only two friends that will not be of much concern to anyone. Anyway today was good a really fucking enlighnting day. For one of the first time's i realized that I'm not the center of annoyance and angers for others. And these others might have something going on with them thats totally unrelated to my existence. Alright yeah that sounds selfish self centered but for me thats amazing. I'm so drowned in self-pity and always thinking no one likes me. It was nice to live the moment and feel what was really going on and be there for others instead of being wrapped in my own world of delusions. I'm glad I'm beginning to sketch and draw again and getting over that crappy hump. Usually I quit for a few months draw something decide i suck and leave it for another couple months. I've really had alot of self discovery in to the way my mind operates so much into the future with its intricate plans. I've been able to stand back and watch those wheels turn and realize how stupid it is to live there instead of giving the moment its real love. Anyway just got to say my dads one year anniversary of his passing is coming and i hope to make some headway with the grieving process this year and come to understand who it real was and the effects he had on my life. Well goodnight y'all and stay tuned as i start my journey on my year quest it will be quite exciting. PEACE! love...? 

 This is what my plan of action is, I'm going to live this year like it is my last. I will update this page every day hopefully with the feelings and events that i went through for that day. I will be guided through this by stephen levine in his book "a year to live".  So today is Sunday September 23rd, 2007 one year from today I will leave you all and pass into another life. One year from now I will only be a memory. I hope that by then I can accomplish goals and live life to the maximum and live out every breath that I have. So it begins...

Current Mood: rejuvenated

 My favorite kind of people are the ones that enjoy thinking in silence so i don't to hear their senseless shit and then when they do say styuff i listen more intently

Damn i feel like there is so much that i can do. It's like the only difference between being old and young is that oppurtunity is put at our finger tips. Well I'm just trying to walk that line one foot after the other like a sobriety test.

 this is a story. Not any story that's been told before. Most stories only pertain to characters we regularly have no attachment too. No, this is a story about me and you. Let me start off by saying this might sound a little weird coming from me  to you. We have never spoke but we don't need to speak. I see you and i don't know but i hope you see me too. I see the others and i laugh and laugh so deep because i know something that have no idea about. That me and you were the same. They just waste their time, because it'll never be like me and you. oh, don't run yet at least let me explain to you why i speak the way i do. I see you and i then i see me as the same. Yeah you might call me a little egoed out but i know the truth because i know you. Odd that i never met you and maybe i'm too shy too come to you. But you are the heart that beats in me. Oh and how you beat me in to such a state of unknowing skeptism thinking about me and you. Yeah me and you if we came to be we be something even the famed would marvel at. It such a rare thing when it happens and when it does it is something others wanted to aspire to. It's dark where I'm so it might be hard to reach me. Everyday you seem to bring your light closer. Somedays i see your light and I yell and yell but you still fail to hear me. Because like i said i think you'll have to find me. By now you probably need some evidence why i think the way i do. Well i was watching one day when you dropped your phone to the floor. You picked it up an looked left to right to make sure no one noticed. You took a quick step and tripped yourself up, and scurried off quickly as to not be to noticed. Hey! I do that too. When i saw that me and you had to be true. You know i can add to this for millenia and maybe you'll never really believe what i try to tell. But at least hear this as you get put to sleep, me and you aren't so dissimilar, and this isn't a sick love struck puppy gone to the stray side, oh no I'm you and you are me. So when you sleep and try to figure out what this all really means, theres lays an invitation addressed to you and at the destination you will find me and you will truly become you.

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I sit here looking far into this intricate atmosphere. I feel like everyone uses depressing adjectives when trying to write something provacative or really mind blowing. Not me I'm having a suberb day only the gleeful devil can bring me down now. Yes, how happy he is as he sit's on his flowery seat of doom and destruction. Sitting there contemplating his next rejoicing victims to take a stroll with. Well as long as he is having a good time will jolly gee so am I. I'll just sit here watching as someone I don't know takes a stab at a million dollar prize. Dreaming the plausibility of this coming into my uplifting and gratifying life. Not to sound like a poor sport but lately I don't think they have been as nice to me as I originally experienced. Its getting me kind of my pink cloud and joining my friend on his flowery sit. Don't get me wrong you think I'm really nice and all, sweet affectionate, maybe buy you a sundae on a wonderful sunny day. In me though nice adjectives cease to exist and bad ones seem to take over. OH! you would have never thought will you never really took the time from your precious day did you to ask. Alright I guess I'm part to blame, but seriously didn't anyone notice how my happiness was seeming to drift as if a kid with ADD started to pay attention. I just wasn't right but you seemed to push me on as if I was. The changes happened and I began to lose sight of what I was and couldn't what it was that was becoming of me. Akward I felt for some time, please willn't some one let me out I feel trapped inside this body and can't get anyone to see far enough in me to notice.

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Current Mood: drained
Current Music: FRNK Radio